The Donut Bribe

Originally posted on my blog Diesel Spleen on Friday, August 31, 2007.

First let me say I'm not writing this to put down the hard working police officers of the world but to simply to chronicle a life lesson. My original post of Damnation Donuts has disappeared from my blog Diesel Spleen. I don't know what happened to it but perhaps it was a bit too harsh.
So here is the true story that missing post was based on.

Many years ago in the decade known as the eighties, I got a job at a donut shop as a baker.
The donut shop was part of a nation wide chain of donut shops that had popular TV Ads.
My first day at work I was told by my boss to give all policemen free donuts.
Wanting to be a good employee I gave all policemen who came to the donut shop, the donut bribe.

Then one day it happened, a honest policeman wouldn't take the donut bribe and paid the full price including tax. A few weeks later while I was frying donuts in hot oil ( I was hired as a baker that never baked anything) the donut shop was robed. The girl at the front counter came back screaming saying two men with guns had robed her.

Before I go on with the rest of the story I must tell you how much I hated my donut shop job.
For a little above minimum wage I was bribing a large number of policemen each week.
The one honest policeman made me feel even worst about the protection racket that I had become a part of. I was breaking the law so some rich fat cat could get the police to hang out at his donut shops.One afternoon two of my best friends from high school walked in and my heart sank. I had the mark of failure and the best man at my wedding had become a lawyer.

The front counter girl asked me to call the police. So I called the police and in all honesty I didn't give a donut hole that the shop had been robed. I'm sure the dispatcher picked up that indifference in my voice. When the police came they thought I was in on the robbery and began to question me. Neither of the two policemen were the honest policeman and I began to think how they asked me to rob the donut shop every day when they took the donut bribe.

Then they asked me the question that made me angry.

"Why didn't you look out the back door to see who robed the place?"

"I don't get paid to get shot at, you do."

As soon as I said it I regretted it. The police decided the girl at the front counter was in on the robbery and she was fired. I was told I was in the clear because I was in the back frying donuts.
I knew better but decided I couldn't quit my job I hated so much or I would look guilty.

Two weeks after the robbery every policeman in three counties came to get two dozen free donuts on the same night. I say every policeman but the one honest policeman never showed up.

By 1:00 a.m. I was out of donuts. As fast as I could make donuts a policeman would come by and ask for two dozen donuts. By 3:00 a.m. I got tired of this and stopped making donuts.
When policemen came by and asked for free donuts I told them no and it felt good.

My boss came in at 5:00 a.m. and saw the near empty donut case.
I quit before she could fire me.

Note; No policewoman asked for the donut bribe.

A extended version of The Donut Bribe will be part of the novel The Invisible Picnic.