Happy New Year

I was going to try to have my 500th post on this blog by the end of the year but I'm too far behind on my writing to make that happen. I've been pushing myself too hard to finish projects and I find myself so tired that I'm going to sleep my way into the new year.

As my last post I have this above photo of my two grandchildren, Denver and Cordelia to give hope to the new year.

The Big Drop

As a boy I loved to ride trains. Having the best parents in the world, I got to do this many times as a child. The above photos show one of the ticket stubs from a trip from Holden Missouri to Kansas City's Union Station.

I can never set foot in Union Station Kansas City without being arrested because I dared to video tape balloons falling from the ceiling on New Years Eve 2006. I did nothing wrong but tell the truth about the management at Union Station in a movie I worked on called Begging For Billionaires.

I can never ride the rails to Union Station with my Grandchildren but on April 13th 2002 I helped rescue a young girl from a near tragic mishap on a badly designed exhibit. They can't take that away from me.

I wonder if the powers that be in Kansas City will try to censor this post? Will they try to hack my computer again? The Big Drop in ethics is something I regret seeing in my lifetime.

Notes on The Three Deaths Of Robert Andrew Vollrath

Did my soul leave my body three times and return?

Do I trust my own mind?

What is death?

I don't know what I was going to write here. April 11th 2010.

World's Greatest Grandpa

The best gift I received was this bit of fun with my Granddaughter and Grandson hand prints on this Certificate of Achievement.

A very Merry Christmas.

Empire of Ego

I am the center of the universe, well so are you. We all find ourselves at the center of the universe.
This cosmic joke on every living thing makes for a empire of ego in each of us.

My empire of ego must fall if I'm going to make something out of my life this late in my life.
I must be what I was meant to be and not what I want to be. Letting go of a lifetime of negative emotions is the first step.

Trying to forgive and not feel hate is a struggle. So many of my family are waiting for my parents to die to try to steal what money they can from me. I'm trying to turn my anger against my aunts and uncles to pity.

I know my sons will help me fend off these thieves as I grieve but I fear my own ego will unleash all the ugly family secrets at my aunts and uncles without my parents to stop me.

Buying too many presents for my grandchildren has made me see how out of control my ego is.
I didn't want my ex-wife and her husband to have better presents than me. I didn't realize why I was buying all presents until I had already wrapped all the toys.

I wanted this to be a big Christmas because I feel my health may limit how many more Christmas holidays I'll have. My third near death experience only a few days ago has made me take a hard look at my life. Do I let my ego rule me or do I try to become the best person I can be?

My ego doesn't want to know the answer to the question; Did I have a heart attack in my sleep?

I should have gone to the hospital that night but I don't trust doctors. As a child a sadist doctor tortured me ( I'll be telling this tale in a post called 'Bully Doctor') both mentally and physically.
I didn't get the help I needed after my car wreck and the doctor that rebuilt my nose almost killed me by accident.

I know there are many good doctors in the world but I've meet so many bad ones. I must keep my ego as small as possible and go see a doctor. I hope the doctor doesn't have an ego problem like me.

My Mother's Vote was Stolen

My mother's vote was stolen in the last election. Someone used my mother's name and the rest of her ID to steal her vote from Holt County Missouri. My mother lives in Johnson County Missouri.

Her vote didn't count. She was treated like a criminal and the person that stole her vote got away with it. The election was fixed in Missouri but who did the fixing and why?

Eleanor Jane Vollrath had the right to vote but now she says she'll never vote again.

To the person in Holt county that stole my mother's vote, you have my pity.

To the party that stole my mother's vote, you'll never get my vote again, unless you steal it.

Unwrapping my ego

I bought too many presents for my grandchildren. I bought those presents for me.

I feed my own ego with those presents. My grandchildren only need time with me to be happy.

There goes that ego again. My grandchildren only need to be with the family they love to be happy.

Christmas Card

My son Micheal wanting to have his own Christmas Card like his big brother. Well his older brother as Micheal is stronger than both his brother and I put together. Anyway Micheal made this card on his computer.

Printing the card isn't necessary.

All Christmas cards should only be in cyberspace.

Save a lot of trees and spare no electrons.

The Three Deaths of Robert Andrew Vollrath

1975

2006

2008

Three different years, three different deaths.

1975 and I was scared of death.

2006 and I was concerned for my mother.

2008 and I was fearless.

More to come...

Love is........

Love is everything. Hate is self love with a small L. Fear is a worry of the lost love of one's self or the lost of those we love.

Love is everything. I love my enemies more than I love myself. I face all the evil in the world and all the evil that dwells within me. I am part of the one soul and I love all the good and forgive all the bad in that one soul.

Love is my one year old grand daughter taking care of me for 20 minutes when I was too tired to take care of her. Her father needs to pay a bill leaving me alone with his daughter and I turn to the little girl and said;

"Oh Cordelia what am I going to do. I'm too tired to watch you."

I was lying on a couch too tired to stand. Cordelia first brings me a pillow and then a blanket.
She tucks the blanket around my legs and when she is finished with that good deed she walks over to me and holds my hand. She makes soft sounds in an imitation of a lullaby.

Cordelia stands by me holding my hand for over 15 minutes till her father returns.
I have never felt so loved.

More to come.......

Notes on Rivers of Nothing

I believe my concept of making a model of the universe began in 1976. I was trying to deal with the pain of my head injury from my car wreck a year earlier. The more complex I made my thoughts the less pain I had. I'm not sure when I came up with the concept that the universe was created out of nothing by imagination.

Books like Hyperspace by Michio Kaku and Surfing Through Hyperspace by Clifford A. Pickover feed the science side of the equation. My spiritual side of my equation was given to me by the five women I have loved in my life. Each lady showing me a different part of my soul.

The below post is the final brushstroke on this artwork of the mind's eye.

Rivers of Nothing

Hang on I'm working on my belief system. I've got two Bully Tales in the works and I'm trying to get back to more normal fair but for this post I'm trying to explain it all.

Rivers of nothing run through my mind. I was trying to sleep when all my belief systems became one. All is paradox, all is nothing and all is light. Everything is nothing and that nothing is owned by one soul. We are that one soul. By we I mean everything that will be or has been. Our lives are but pinpricks in the fabric of the universe and we are the fabric too.

When I was a child I was told there were things we couldn't imagine and I shouldn't try.
I ignored everyone and keep on going. Now I'm at this wonderful mindset that should be disturbing but isn't.

Finite and infinity are twins of reality but neither can be captured, only approached.

The need for sleep calls....more to come.....

Imagine that all of reality is a single tread and all the fabric of the universe is made out of only this single tread. Different knots in this tread are the elements and the bigger the knot the larger
the scale till we have planets and stars and you name it.

Now imagine you could somehow untangle this tread and it was a giant circle with the size approaching the infinite growing at the speed of light. Imagine this tread is getting thinner approaching the finite at the speed of light.

All this driven by one soul that binds us all and is all of us. Now imagine the hardest part.
That tread is made out of nothing but the imagination of that one soul. That one soul our soul jumps in and out of that tread of reality until it knows how to be a mountain or a flea. It is a star made out of diamonds and we are that star. We are all the good and all the bad in everything.

Look in the mirror and see that one soul, our soul.

Just the beginning......

Burn all the Golden Parachutes

The title says it all. Why reward failure at the highest level?

I've meet good Chief Executive Officers of companies and I've meet bad ones.

The best are the founders of their company. They are inventors and hold patents.

The worst are criminals stealing the company assents as they receive huge bonuses.

Pay for Play

Have you taken the bribe? I have. I've done pay for play.

Oh, my bribe was on such a small scale that I can't be compared to those bribe masters that hold seats of powers or can I? Does it matter how small the bribe is? I was a divorced single father and I needed the money. That's why I did it.

I took a $2.00 an hour raise to keep quiet about how a supervisor got his job. Pay for Play.
I played the game but we all lose when we play that game. I should have quit and never looked back.

If we are to end this system of bribery we pretend to be a form of government then we must look at what part we hold in the world wide cycle of pay for play.

False Visions

I knew Ronald Regan was going to be killed in office, Didn't happen.

I knew my second child was going to be a girl, Micheal was all boy.

I'm sure there are many more that I don't remember.

What are visions? What are false visions? I have no answers.

When we know something about the future that turns out to be true, it's a miracle.

When we know something about the future that turns out to be false, what's that?

The truth is I have no answers, only questions.

Is everything the same?

Are we all one tread of reality woven from the fabric of time?

Has everything been everything and will be again?

Is the soul just one soul?

Do we dare think it?

Are we one?

Forever Family

My son with a big heart Micheal, my wonderful Daughter-in-Law Amanda and my favorite little girl Cordelia.

Stay Warm Grandson

My favorite little boy on his three wheeled snow machine. Stay warm Denver.

Spirit Dream

"Patty is that you?"

I called to the energy field floating above my bed. The tan energy field danced on my ceiling in the darkness. The energy field fell upon me. I thought some how Patty had projected her soul to me in the twilight between wake and sleep but it wasn't her.

I woke the next morning with more energy than I ever felt in my life. What was the mystery spirit? Just a dream or something else? After the dream I began to wear tan clothes most of the time.

I worked so hard the following two days that I broke a rib and went into a kind of shock.
What was the spirit dream, I don't know?

Notes on You know things don't you?

In a future novel the post below this one will be combined with "A Simple Wish" and "The Bean" to be a single chapter called "The Journey of the Bean." Road trips often turn into weird otherworldly experiences.

In life you sometimes are the puppet and if your lucky you get to be the puppeteer. I felt like a puppet on that trip.

I'm not sure if I should write these tales about the spirit world blending with my reality. I go weeks, months and sometimes years without visions and then I have times when the world feels like its falling on me.

I had to write the ending twice as I lost power in a ice storm.

You know things, don't you?

"You know things, don't you?"

"What do you mean?"

Becky's grandmother asked me the question but my answer was a lie hidden in a question.
I knew exactly what she meant. I need to tell her the truth, I thought. She is the Great Grandmother of my Grand Son, I had to tell her the truth.

"You know about the spirit world don't you."

"How did you know that?"

"I could just tell."

The knowing was upon her. My happy world of my Grandson's Birthday party began to shatter at that moment. She told me about her visions and I told her about my visions. The sharing of the knowing.

I liked every member of Becky's family. I had fun at my Grandson Denver's birthday party.
I talked too much and made silly jokes that embarrassed my son Mark but all in all it was a wonderful time.

As everyone said their goodbyes at the party I began to feel guilt. A young boy was missing.
I had heard the shots that killed his grandmother and uncle. His father took him from the murder scene. What could I have done? I didn't have a gun. Chicago the murder capital of the USA. I heard those shots. How close was I to the murder scene.

Stay another night with your grandson, I told myself but the endless road was calling to me.

I saw how tired my son was from the party and used it as excuse to leave and not spend the night. I drove off into the night with an impossible mission. I was going to try to find a boy kidnapped my his murderous father. It was insane, mindless, stupid but I was compelled to do it.

The only person that would understand this feeling was Patty and soon I wouldn't even have her to talk about it. I decided to stop at most of the rest stops along the way on my way home.

No wild night visions this time just the pain of lost sleep. I stopped at one rest stop after another, catching a little sleep at each one. Sometimes my rational mind would win out and I would pass by a rest stop and then I would feel over whelming guilt. What was I hoping to find at these rest stops? A connection between the recent past and my present. A place where I could have a black void vision and somehow save a child's life?

I don't know how many rest stops I went to before I gave up hope. The boy was dead.

I crawled in the back of my car at four in the morning and passed out. I fell into the black void and was nothing. Happy that my ego was empty. Happy that I tried. Happy to pay the price of coming back.

I woke to the rumble of big rigs and got back on the road. I felt rational again. I drove south to Missouri. Two days after I got home I saw on the TV that the child was dead. I had heard the gunfire that killed his Grandmother and Uncle. That was my only connection to him.

Beyond a Billion Dreams

Beyond a billion dreams I seek a soul mate fair.

With hearts entwined we would face our fears.

Nothing could stop the magic mirror of love defined.

Not even these never ending silly rhymes.

I find I miss the dance of romance. Time to put my heart and soul into my writing.

The Red Boot

The above scan is of one of the sacred relics of the Vollrath family, THE RED BOOT.

Lost for many years the RED BOOT was found by the Knights of the Red Boot.

Sir Robert Andrew Vollrath

Sir Micheal Serling Vollrath

Sir Mark Andrew Vollrath

Brave Knights one and all. The time has come to think of the new Knights of the Red Boot.

Upon their tenth birthdays the Princess of Dreams and Prince of Imagination will be given a task to find the Red Boot in a woods of my grandparents.

Pain Versus Imagination

I find I'm full of anger. The pain has found the blame game hiding in a dark corner of my soul.

You know the blame game dear readers don't you? You know that game where you blame everyone but yourself. Well I playing the blame game all the way to that bottomless pit we call the human ego. My ego the root of all my evil. The coward that won't say he's sorry. I've been that coward and I've seen that coward in others.

What of pain? I know all the colors of pain. I walk and talk in pain. That car wreck in 1975 ate me whole and spit me back to this Earth as a ball of pain. No one to blame but myself. All my fault.

Emotional pain? Oh yes I've known every color of that pain too. I give my heart to easy. I won't change. I've tried to harden my heart but love owns my soul and I can't turn into something I'm not.

My imagination can always cool the pain. The pain is a weak foe to my imagination.

I blame no one not even myself. I cool my soul in my dreams and work through the pain.

Notes on I was a Heart Broken Zombie

I was going to finish my 500 post by the end of the year but I can only type with one hand now.
for that reason i won't be using capital letters in my writing anymore and 'notes on i was a heart broken zombie' will be my last post of the year. questions won't end in a question mark and anything that needs that shift key won't happen.

my broken rib is an old injury that you'll read about in the previous post. under stress my rib broke in the same place as it dislocated itself. i may be going to the hospital soon if an infection sets in.
i will write through the pain as best i can.

more to come........

I can type with two hands now. The rib still hurts but it is no longer the mind shearing pain it once was. What I find incredible is I was in emotional and physical pain and I didn't for a moment get depressed. As you'll read below I thought I was going to die at one point and I wasn't scared at all. I just accepted it.

more to come........

The mind shearing pain is back and I find my mind isn't focused enough to write. No depression just a broken rib over my heart. I don't feel the emotional pain of being dumped anymore.
Strange I'm not afraid of anything anymore and I feel happy through the pain. I don't understand it either.

more to come.......

Pain sometimes makes you forget that you're a being of pure light. That post below this one is going to be finished tonight or this morning or before dawn breaks through my east bedroom window. I mean if you can't write through pain then what is the point of being a writer anyway?

more to come......I didn't finish it last night......I'll keep pushing forward.....

I finished the previous post with pain to spare.

I was a Heart Broken Zombie

Before I start this story let me explain something. I'm indestructible. The most you can do to me is kill me and I've been dead before, many times. So when you read this don't feel sad just let the story take you to a silly place in a big man's heart.

Try not to trip over my ego.

Backache and Heartache. What a weekend. Last week my father decided to finally buy that HDTV for my mother. With the help of my friend Jeff I set them up with a new HDTV. Moving their old broken TV out of the house I dislocated and broke a rib over my heart.

Why did I move a giant piece of junk TV by myself?

More to come, work in progress.......

I moved the TV by myself so my father wouldn't try to help me and hurt himself. The TV should have been destroyed years ago but my father is not one for giving up on old technology.

Flashback 32 years ago as I water ski for the last time with my Uncle Ed. He didn't want to pull me behind the boat he just wanted to throw me off into the lake and make me pull him all the rest of the day. He opened the boat up and pulled me into a cove full of drift wood. My right ski plowed into a floating log. I went flying head first into a floating tree stump. I over shot the tree stump with my head but my chest slams into one big hard twisted root and I hear my rib break as I plow under the water.

The hard life vest saved my life. Flash forward to age 50 and I am trying to move a giant piece of junk, heavy as a baby elephant, projection TV down a few stairs and I hear that same rib break for a second time. I go one better this time and dislocate the rib too.

Four nights ago I wake up and my whole body feels numb. My head hurts like the 20 year headache I had after my car wreak. I can't feel my heart beating with my left hand and I can't feel my pulse. I brace myself for death as I think I'm having a heart attack.

Flashback to my Grandfather Vollrath's death. He had several heart attacks and the last time I was alone with him he showed his blacken legs from clotting blood. I was all of ten. Two weeks later he is at home and couldn't feel his heart beat. He stood up and called my grandmother to him. He told her he had no pulse and fell over dead.

Two weeks ago my mother tells me this story. It is fresh in my mind as I set up in bed thinking I'll die at any moment.

Pain is too much.....more to come when I feel better.

I don't die at that moment. I can't find my heart beat or my pulse no matter how hard I try.

I put my right index finger in my ear hoping to hear the roar of my bloodstream in my inner ear.

Nothing.

Maybe I have enough oxygen in my blood to stand even take a few steps like my Grandfather Vollrath.

Pain owns me now.....be back soon

I find I'm not scare of death but I don't want to die in my room because it is full of a small part of my empire of junk. I decide to get dressed and go to the living room. If I'm going to die I'll just die in my favorite chair. I turn on a light and look down at my chest as I put on a shirt.

My chest and left arm were swollen to cartoon proportions. I couldn't feel my heart beat because of my swollen chest. My left hand was swollen so I couldn't take my pulse. I don't know why I couldn't hear my blood running through my inner ear. Using my right hand I push into my swollen cheat and find my heart beat. My heart was beating incredibly slow.

I guess my body was in shock from the amount of hard work I did in a very short time. I decide to go living room and wait to see what happens.

The pains back...more soon.....

As I walk through the dark hallway to the living room I think I'm a heart broken zombie.
I'm the walking dead with a broken heart. Why did Patty dump me over the phone? What did I do to deserve that? A broken rib over a broken heart, how ironic.

I make it to my favorite chair and sit down. I think of how my Great Grandfather English died.
He died with a smile on his face sitting on his front porch swing. He died with a summer wind blowing across the porch of a house he built with his own two hands. A good way to die.

Now I sit me down to die.

No more time to tell you lies.

I'll find the truth in my death.

I only hope I'm heaven blessed.

Why is my heart beating so slow? Then I remember a trick I can do. I could always make my heart beat slower. I wonder if I could make it beat faster? I have grandchildren, I can't die yet.
My heart beats faster and I watch a new dawn.

No more time to tell you lies, the truth will always be my guide.

The End

I would like to say I'm sorry to all my readers. I lied in this post. My heart wasn't beating from the time I got out of bed till a short time after I sat down in the chair. I thought the tale was too fantastic and yet I claimed to be telling the truth in the story. Another thing that is missing in this story is the dream that woke me up. A double of myself came to me in a dream and said;
"Wake up dummy, your heat has stopped."

My cousin Monroe died in his sleep of heart failure. He was my Grand Father Vollrath's other Grandson. 4-12-2010

Peace for my Granddaughter Cordelia

I love her more than the numbers of stars in the heaven. My heart can never stay broken long when I have a dream of a granddaughter. What world will I leave her? She is truly my little Queen of Dreams. I want to leave her a world of equal rights and equal pay.

I want to leave her a world where a woman can be the most powerful person on earth or better yet, a world where no one has that much power. A world without men thinking they own women.
A world where a woman keeps her last name for life and passes that name to her daughters.

A world where no woman is forced to do anything against her will.

Peace for my Grandson Denver

I love my grandson with all my heart and soul. What world will I leave this gem of the Vollrath family. Will I leave him a world of peace? Who am I to think I could bring peace to the world?

Anyone of us can bring peace to our world. It is our choice. Endless mindless war or the cool waters of the blue green dream. Shall we feed the power hungry madmen their ego rich diet of death and destruction or will we feed each others imaginations with starlight, moonbeams and the red sands of Mars?

Will a single nation's flag be planted on new worlds or the flag of the United Nations? Shall we create more wilderness graveyards and call them cities or will we build green pyramids of terraced gardens to live in, giving back most of the land to the wild.

Will we poison the seas or return lost life to the seas? Will floating cities orbit our skies or will all the ego towers crash to the ground? The choice is ours for all the grandchildren of the world.

To Those That Would Kill

I want peace. I want peace in my lifetime. I have been where few dare to go. I have left what few dare leave. I want the murders to stop. You gain nothing but feeding of your own ego by murder.

When I was a small child a woman that I' loved was murdered. She was my aunt. I spoke to her murder a few days ago on the phone. My uncle cast a net of hell on my family. Will he read this someday and hate me for it? Is the teller of sins worst than the sinner?

To those that plot to stab at the heart of my country by bombing a train I ask you to stop this act of wholesale murder. Do not cast a net of hell upon your families.

Let peace know your names and love sing in your souls for an eternity of truth.