I fell off the mountain of happiness. I got mad at my sons for no good reason. I no longer believe I was a good father or can ever be a good father. I can't remember most of my life. My novel seems like a lie now.
I want to make a movie this month but I can't get my camera fixed for lack of funds.
I have five actors wanting to make the movie and I want to make the movie and I must make the movie by the end of July or I'll lose one of my actresses.
The Script Reading of 'Two Jews and a Pagan' went well but I'm not carrying that energy into the production. It's as simple as a movie gets but I can't seem to move forward.
I saw a old friend last night and I talked about how my favorite TV show is Whale Wars and he told me that NASA used Sperm Whale Oil on their spacecrafts. I researched it this morning and found out what he said is true. I now know that dead whale is part of most space missions.
What happen to that Robert who would try the impossible and fall on his face and get up and try again? He's in here somewhere I just got to dig him out. So I had a heart attack last December, who cares? So, I haven't made any money in years? So, when I put money back into my movies and other projects from the few freelance jobs I had, I lost it all? Big deal!
The Novel isn't a lie, I just haven't found it's voice yet. I failed as a father but my sons have overcame my failure and turned out to be fine men. I tried to be a good father and that was all I could do. It's hard to be a father without a short term memory or a long term memory for that matter. How have I made it all these years? Oh I could tell you but it all seems like one big blur of a waking nightmare. I laughed through most of it.
If you find yourself in a living hell just start laughing. My pain is so little compared to millions in greater pain because I could hide my pain behind a veil of imagination. Anger is my greatest enemy. A enemy that always wins but I have hope that I can destroy this fighting fear within me.
I lost my inner vision in January. The colors aren't as bright. I no longer see glimpses of the future real or imagined. I feel empty. I hated the visions but now that they're gone I miss them.
I was always more wrong than I was right. I don't know if my visions had any value.
In a dream in January I saw ghostly faces that said goodbye to me. My spirit guides leaving me alone. I thought I knew two of the faces. People who died in this lifetime of mine. After the dream I no longer had visions only the memory of visions of things yet to come.
I'm taking a break from blogging. I'll be back when I'm 51 years old.
Sorry to leave you on a negative note but I'm off to climb Happy Mountain:)