Thursday, July 2, 2009

Grab Bag

I fell off the mountain of happiness. I got mad at my sons for no good reason. I no longer believe I was a good father or can ever be a good father. I can't remember most of my life. My novel seems like a lie now.

I want to make a movie this month but I can't get my camera fixed for lack of funds.
I have five actors wanting to make the movie and I want to make the movie and I must make the movie by the end of July or I'll lose one of my actresses.

The Script Reading of 'Two Jews and a Pagan' went well but I'm not carrying that energy into the production. It's as simple as a movie gets but I can't seem to move forward.

I saw a old friend last night and I talked about how my favorite TV show is Whale Wars and he told me that NASA used Sperm Whale Oil on their spacecrafts. I researched it this morning and found out what he said is true. I now know that dead whale is part of most space missions.

What happen to that Robert who would try the impossible and fall on his face and get up and try again? He's in here somewhere I just got to dig him out. So I had a heart attack last December, who cares? So, I haven't made any money in years? So, when I put money back into my movies and other projects from the few freelance jobs I had, I lost it all? Big deal!

The Novel isn't a lie, I just haven't found it's voice yet. I failed as a father but my sons have overcame my failure and turned out to be fine men. I tried to be a good father and that was all I could do. It's hard to be a father without a short term memory or a long term memory for that matter. How have I made it all these years? Oh I could tell you but it all seems like one big blur of a waking nightmare. I laughed through most of it.

If you find yourself in a living hell just start laughing. My pain is so little compared to millions in greater pain because I could hide my pain behind a veil of imagination. Anger is my greatest enemy. A enemy that always wins but I have hope that I can destroy this fighting fear within me.

I lost my inner vision in January. The colors aren't as bright. I no longer see glimpses of the future real or imagined. I feel empty. I hated the visions but now that they're gone I miss them.
I was always more wrong than I was right. I don't know if my visions had any value.

In a dream in January I saw ghostly faces that said goodbye to me. My spirit guides leaving me alone. I thought I knew two of the faces. People who died in this lifetime of mine. After the dream I no longer had visions only the memory of visions of things yet to come.

I'm taking a break from blogging. I'll be back when I'm 51 years old.

Sorry to leave you on a negative note but I'm off to climb Happy Mountain:)


Joan Sandford-Cook said...

Oh Robert. To pour out your heart in this way to your blogger friends is an honour for us. Now you know what its like for all those millions of people who never connect with spirit guides and helpers. Its been a great privilege and you earned it. They've not gone away - you are not aware of them due to your current negativity. Now simply believe with all your heart that your connection will come back.

Please email me (address details on my blog) your home address so I can send you that little sunflower gift I promised to bring you with its glowing light.

Robert A Vollrath said...

I feel better now that I wrote my pain down on this post.

After writing this comment I'm going on a date with my best ex-girlfriend (we have ping pong relationship)and I'll be going to see a movie called Cowtown Ballroom that my friend Joe made. I'll go to Joe's 60th birthday party after the movie.

Climbing Happy Mountain:)

Désirée said...

I want to comfort. And to say something wise. I know I can't do neither. There are no magic words.

I hope you gets your hands on a working camera and gets the movie made.

I hope you climb the mountain of happiness and don't forget that it is the sides of the mountain that contain life, not the top.

I hope you turn 51 soon.

And the most important thing you can give your kids is love. And I think you gave them that.

Robert A Vollrath said...

Thanks Desiree

My camera is being repaired as I write this comment.

I feel better than I have in a long time as I've decided to be a little selfish and begin to finish my projects by saying no to everyone that feels my time has no value.

I wrote the above post 'Turning Point' to let everyone know I'm doing better:)